One Drop of Water

When a selection process is done, or in this case synonymous with layoffs, what should the rest of the candidates called? If they go on doing something other than what the main purpose was, they can be called 'byproducts', whereas the selected ones are the main products. Byproducts are the side products that comes from outside the main process, commonly have lower values than the main ones. Of course, less attention paid to byproducts, as they are not the highlight of the company, only considered as the higher status of salvage, a valuable trash. At least, byproducts are still considered as part of the process and outcomes. When the losing candidates are neglected and given no treatment, then it becomes scraps (or simply garbage), that must be disposed. Scraps may still be valuable, however commonly can be considered worthless, at least in the eye of the company's stockholders. Scraps are annoying and ruining the main portfolios (products), especially when they keep complaining about lack of efforts and financing spent to take care of them, even when the budget has already been allocated for them in the beginning. When the main process changes its procedure in the middle, reducing the output because of increasing in cost and rejection of market and lack of coordination between shareholders (or supposed-to-be-shareholder), should the rest of materials considered scraps? Especially when the materials are humans being, rationally-sane individuals? Are they byproducts or scraps?

Start as 20-men (and women) trooper, with high hopes of some "dream team" or "supergroup", yes it's always short-lived. When the hype is over, turns out that the management is just another "mismanagement" and the ambitious project is dead before taking off. Now, we are miles apart, Jogja, Bandung, Karlsruhe, with our own business, just not enough time for each other. The management is now less enthusiastic, keep pressuring the rest of us. The crisis is here, the budget is tight, so we are the victims, the lowest part of the food chain. Now, I can't care much of it either. I'm too old for this shit. I'm not even a leader, just an poor old lonesome internet addict.

Have you ever think your life was nothing more than a complete failure? I see failure as something we don't see appropriate. But then, appropriate is relative. Of course, my life has been a complete mess ever since the new millennium, no second opinion. The way I see it, there was some episodes in my life connecting to another part, that my failures lead to (some) success in the past. But nothing was more amazed me than what I have been through last year. Just when you think you're back to the right path, you've suddenly brought up from miseries, they drop you just like that, from the height. Does that sound hurting? Your bones should be crushing to dust. I've been through many failures and misfits, one more could not kill me. But still, this one's different. I hope, sometimes in the future I could look back and see this as just another part of my life, or at least the way it should be. So, call me suicidal if I don't give a damn about the rest of this journey. I'll just try to shallow my pride, if there's any left.

From the way I saw it, the last year (well, 10 months actually) has been a wondrous journey to me. I can never imagine it happens, like seven years ago when I completely broke down. Got kicked out of school, no degree, no job, no money, nothing. The degree I finally earned feels nothing more than a consolation. But when that invitation letter came, and suddenly I was back in the spotlight. Here I was, thirty something, been in the worst situation (dropout, fired), with nowhere to go.  This program I joined was supposed to be a dream project to make a string of well-educated, international quality person to help building this country. Well, you know that it was the idea, the reality is far from that. A lot of frictions and complications came along, and this program is dead on arrival. I made it into the Top 10, but smashed into the bottom rank in the final tally. I still cannot figure out why, the final process is so secretive as though national security matter. Well, my story is over now, it's now the stories of the chosen five candidates to complete this program. As far as I'm concerned, this program is nowhere but oer for the rest of us. Until the time to collect the consolation prize, three months euro trip.

Did you ever get into this situation where you feel you don't deserve it? Either good or bad? I feel my life has been in that situation, alternatively. Well, I used to think my life cannot get worse than it is. Just now I've got a chance to proof something, at least to myself that I'm not (completely)a failure, that my life is meant to get somewhere, not just a series of unfortunate events (well, if you consider it a book or movie). At least I know now that it's not true. Here comes another dissappointment. And I must reconsider my life all over again. Back to zero point. Maybe someday I will look back to this moment (and this particular naysaying) and smile. Just Maybe...